This is the month. The month when, if my pregnancy hadn't been ectopic, I would have brought a new little Angelus into our lives. Now, I know I'm not the 1st or the only person to have had a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, so I certainly hope I do not end up sounding that way.
Last night I had a pity party for one. I pulled out gifts that had been given to me when I found out that I was prego and read through my pregnancy journal. May seem stupid, but somehow it kind of gave me a bit of hope and the will to not give up trying. I remembered the one thing that I hated hearing at that time, "At least you know you can get pregnant." The sounds of that drove me nuts. But last night I couldn't help but think it. After 4 years of trying to conceive, I finally did. Sure it didn't turn out the way one would hope but at least the capability of it was there.
Lately, all I can think of is that I must be undeserving of a child and that God surely is upset with me. I find myself constantly asking God for forgiveness and asking for his healing hand. Sometimes I feel as though he's saying 'no'. I have to thank my friend Justin Francis for his status update a few days ago on Facebook. By no means was he intentionally speaking to me, but this verse was just what I needed to hear. It reminded me that God does not hurt us and that I just need to continue to trust in him and his plan for me.
'For I know what I have planned for you,' says the LORD. 'I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope. Jer. 29:11
So here's to 2010, very hopeful year!
~ Christi
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